Ultraspank's Profile

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User since Feb 2017

About Me

Middle aged man living across the pond temporarily from his wife...it's been a long year.

Wish I would have taken the plunge and become an enthusiast much sooner...would have been much easier to get along with in the meantime...ha. Not to mention, a supplemental healthy outlet would have reduced considerable friction and resentment while my wife and I still had the pleasure of each other's company; before having to suffer through this long distance purgatory.

In truth, it was the steep purchase price combined with distant past experience with inferior non-durable "toys" that contributed to my skepticism and hesitation. I enjoyed them immensely, but they simply did not stand up to my insatiable appetite.

I have come to see the light however, and now am a believer that the cost is more than warranted. My position has completely reversed, and I view the FL as a tremendous bargain.

I am very thankful for this site, and sincerely wish I had found it prior to making any purchases, as it would be nice to have been able to give a little back in return for the hard work that is required to maintain and design a resource such as this.

Fortunately, I will have the opportunity to do so, as there will most definitely be successive purchases in the future.

I am destined to become a collector.

Found 5 reviews in total

Intensity 3.75
Stimulation 3.9
Penetration 4.4
Tightness 3.6
Suction Effect 4.85
Realism 3.45
Variation 4.65
Smoothness 3.25
Orgasm Rating 4.45
Noise 3.45
Lube Use 3.95
Cleanup 2.1
Dry Time 2.45

Tease Review

March 24th, 2017 (Tease Texture)

Picked up the Tera Patrick Tease sleeve as part of my Valentine's Day order, one of 3 FLG fleshlights. The tease was the first one I selected, most excited to try, and the one that required no deliberation when deciding which textures to go for.

I saved this one for last when initially trying out the new sleeves, even behind the "mystery" freebie. I have used Tera's texture over ten times prior to rating and writing this review. I have not noticed any significant "break-in" period, this girl was good from the first session.

Regarding the custom FLG mold of Tera's vulva and labia - I would say not bad, but not the best...good enough I suppose, but the sight of it does not arouse me like some of my other FLG sleeves.

My prep is always the same. I warm the sleeve and lubricant in warm water for a minimum of 10 mins prior to use; 20 minutes being more the average. For lube I use astroglide cut ~ 60/40 with distilled water to reduce stickiness and viscosity somewhat. I enter with the cap mostly open, and then close for max suction when balls deep.

The intensity of the tease is somewhere between moderate and high, but like some of the other textures can be ratcheted up or down depending on speed/length of stroke, suction, and amount of lube. I have noticed however that unlike most of my other FLs, the tease feels considerably different regarding stimulation depending on angle of attack, and orifice position. In particular, it more intense if the clitoral side is facing toward the bottom - as in simulating doggy or spoon.

Tera's texture has a high level of pleasing variation, and fans of sleeves with tight/relaxed/tight chamber arrangement are going to love this one. Consequently, the tease provides a strong penetration sensation at the entry, as well as repeatedly as you continue to inch in deeper and deeper. The suction effect with the cap closed is likewise quite prominent. In short, the Tera Patrick Tease FL feels like a playground for your penis. In spite of all that this texture entails, it still feels particularly smooth and realistic - especially when using a slower pace...which is what I would recommend for the best climax. Slow and steady wins the race. The pops I have had with the Tera Tease have been particularly lovely and intense!

I don't find the tease to be particularly noisy or demanding of lubricant. The clean up is a bit more intensive due to the variation, my wads almost never drip out on their own. The dry time is a bit more on the long side as well. I don't sweat it though, this is one of my favorite FLs, so it is worth it.

I do feel the Tera Patrick Tease more than merits the high ranking (currently 5th) on this site. This texture excels regardless if you desire a quick pound-a-thon, or if you want to edge into oblivion. Highly recommended for a first time buyer, or a seasoned collector.

Score 3.76 Overall Satisfaction 4.4
Intensity 4.65
Stimulation 4.6
Penetration 4.5
Tightness 3.75
Suction Effect 2.65
Realism 1.9
Variation 3.75
Smoothness 3.2
Orgasm Rating 4.65
Noise 4.35
Lube Use 1.65
Cleanup 0.65
Dry Time 0.65

Destroya Review

March 21st, 2017 (Destroya Texture)

Picked up Stoya the destroya as one of three FLG sleeves with my Valentine's Day order. While deliberating and whittling down the choices, I was on the fence between destroya and a few others. On one hand, Stoya's texture universally garners high ratings and commands reviews lavished by no shortage of hyperbole and stout praise. On the other hand, I was not entirely confident that I needed a sleeve overly intense and stimulating. Curiosity got the best of me I suppose, so Stoya made the final cut.

When my order arrived and I discovered that my "mystery sleeve" was a FLG texture that had been discontinued (but that I had coveted despite that fact). I was elated and put it in the "on deck circle" in my mind. I figured it would be the first one I would try out from the order - after I had a good night's sleep. Have I mentioned how awesome the sculpting is on Stoya's vulva? I took one last look at the shipping box before heading to bed, and the destroya's meaty lips beckoned to me like a siren's call...I simply could not resist, and the mystery sleeve had to wait till another day. It is a shame that the entrance appearance is not on the list of ratable qualities here at fleshassist. I would gladly bestow a 4.95/5 without hesitation...Stoya's labia look so damn inviting.

My prep is always the same. I warm the FL and lubricant in warm water before use. I use astroglide cut with distilled water ~ 60/40 to reduce the stickiness and viscosity a tad. I penetrate with the cap open, then close it once I'm balls deep to incorporate the suction. I have had several sessions (10+ including the one immediately prior to logging in here) with this texture prior to rating and reviewing.

The fact that this texture is intense and stimulating is obviously no secret. I concur that it is indeed just that, but in truth it isn't as intense as I expected. That is good though, I do find the level both comfortable and enjoyable. The luscious labia on the vulva molding aren't just eye candy. The heavy fleshing works very well in conjunction with the tightness of the buttery smooth deep entry to provide stellar pleasure on the glans before thrusting your way into the heart of the inner texture variations. Though I have yet to try it, I am fully confident that I could bring climax relatively easy just rubbing and poking around the first inch or two of the entry. The pleasure from repeated penetration is nothing short of amazing.

Stoya is on the tighter side, not just at the entrance and the first few inches, but deeper into the sleeve texture as well. Between the nubby chambers is a solid choke point that feels VERY tight in the midst of all the stimulating pointed bumps. The intensity of these three sections in tandem can not be overstated, and is a simply brilliant design. This is where the money is gentlemen!

I have yet to meet a fleshlight induced orgasm that I didn't like, but Stoya has delivered more than a few that can only be termed as epic. I know that word had become cliche, but I feel it is merited in this instance. It should be noted that if you attempt to go "willy-nilly" with this texture, you just may find yourself "ninja'd", because before you know what is happening you will be 3 strokes past the point of no return, and the big O will be on you like an avalanche.

This sleeve required around 5 "FLights" before I considered it "broken in". The suction effect is good but not great even with the cap all the way closed. The texture is obviously quite diverse - which diminishes the level of realism in my opinion. That is not a criticism in this regard, and a sacrifice I am willing to make - again and again! I do find the destroya to be pretty thirsty in regards to lube demand, but I have plenty of lubricant laying around - so I don't find that to be a hardship.

Noise isn't of much concern frankly, but I haven't noticed anything substantial. Neither is cleaning or drying, but in all fairness I did have to ding the texture a few times here. If you don't have the wherewithal to be fastidious and thorough in regards to upkeep, this is definitely not the texture for you. I will spare you all the gross details regarding the one time I discovered to my surprise that I had not got the job done right after a prior use. Fortunately, the sleeve was not damaged...however I did step up my efforts about 300% after that.

This is a very enjoyable texture, but if you are into edging...yeah, good luck with that. Stoya laughs in your general direction mr man.

I don't know what I can say that hasn't already been said about Stoya the destroya. When you reach for this sleeve you had better bring your "A Game"...because Stoya will, and she takes no prisoners. The hype is real!

Score 3.24 Overall Satisfaction 4.4
Intensity 1.65
Stimulation 2.9
Penetration 2.65
Tightness 1.5
Suction Effect 3.4
Realism 4.2
Variation 1
Smoothness 3.9
Orgasm Rating 4
Noise 4.7
Lube Use 4.45
Cleanup 4.95
Dry Time 4.85

Texas Tornado Review

March 16th, 2017 (Texas Tornado Texture)

Got the Alexis Texas Tornado Vagina as a bonus "mystery" sleeve with my big Valentine's day order. I was thrilled as it was on my wishlist here at fleshassist, though I never imagined that I would be able to get my hands on one since it has been previously discontinued. As of now, the tornado texture is only available with the anal orifice, which regrettably doesn't appeal to me. Problem solved!

So on to the review.

As I've mentioned before, my setup is always the same. Sleeve and lubricant warmed prior to use, lube is 60/40 astroglide cut with distilled water. Top open at start, then closed completely for suction once I'm balls deep. I have had at least 15 sessions with Alexis prior to writing this review.

I feel it necessary to comment on the appearance of the vulva at this point. Unfortunately, this category is not available to rate, but if it was i'd give it a solid 5/5. The labia are full and meaty, and look frankly - delicious. Only Stoya's likeness compares in my opinion, though i'd give the nod to Alexis in a head-to-head.

The tornado is not particularly intense, especially when compared to something like the destroya or surge. Correspondingly, the stimulation is likewise subdued; however it is not muted entirely, and like all other textures can be amplified by backing off on the lube, and/or increasing the suction and tempo. The penetration is moderately intense, and the tightness has a more broken-in feeling, but the titanic labia wrapping around one's throbbing shaft add to the experience in a most stellar fashion. The suction effect is decent to great (with the cap fully tightened), and compliments the texture's very organic feel which i attribute to an overall smoothness and lack of variation.

Much has been written and rated regarding the "realism" of the tornado texture. The sleeve is without a doubt the most realistic one i own, though i would compare the realism to a milf that has survived 2 or 3 childbirths - as opposed to a tight younger woman without kids. This brings me to my next point which addresses my favorite use of this particular FL girl texture. I really enjoy using it in tandem with the Jessica Drake Heavenly while watching the mother/daughter/significant other fantasy porn genre. It should be noted however, that the Alexis Texas tornado serves just fine as a stand alone texture - especially for all milf fantasy related "FLights", which has been my "go to" as of late.

The noise level during "FLying" fortunately is not of much concern to me. That being said, i don't notice much noise at all with the tornado. i don't find this a thirsty texture, and only need to add lube during marathon sessions. i am capable of edging almost indefinitely with the texas tornado, so when i finally decide to pull the trigger the orgasms i have with this one are usually both pretty spectacular and peter north level load heavy. this brings me to my next topic which is cleaning and drying. like the noise factor, this aspect is of low importance to me when choosing a texture, but for those that are looking for easy cleaning and fast drying...there really is none higher - except perhaps some of the original "smooth" pink textures. i can't fathom a current FL texture being more effortless to clean and dry than the tornado.

Overall the Tornado is a fantastic texture for anyone seeking an alternative to the notoriously busy textured and high intensity FLs that seem to dominate to popularity contests. In addition, it is a highly organic sleeve that just couldn't be any easier to maintain. One of my favorites for sure.

Score 3.41 Overall Satisfaction 3.6
Intensity 2.35
Stimulation 2.45
Penetration 4.6
Tightness 4.45
Suction Effect 1.45
Realism 3.6
Variation 3.15
Smoothness 4.75
Orgasm Rating 3.4
Noise 4.1
Lube Use 4.4
Cleanup 3.9
Dry Time 3.5

Heavenly Review

March 2nd, 2017 (Heavenly Texture)

I picked this up during the Valentine's Day promotion along with the Stoya and Tera FLG sleeves + a "mystery" Alexis tornado vag. I wanted to have several sessions with this FLG texture before making my review, so my guess is between 8 & 10 "FLights" so far. My prep is always the same - I warm the sleeve plus the lube in water for around 20 mins (draining and refilling the sink with fresh warm water after the first 10). For lubrication I use astroglide cut 60/40 with distilled water so that it is not so viscous and sticky. I generally keep the cap mostly to fully closed after full penetration. I noticed the break-in period to be around 3 uses, but not terribly noticeable to be honest. Though the Jessica Drake heavenly is not my top sleeve, I do REALLY like it...enough that it is the first of the four new ones to be rated reviewed. The most notable aspects of this texture are the tightness, and the smoothness. It is my "go-to" sleeve when I want a longer session because it is not overly stimulating like the destroya and the surge, therefore I find it much easier to edge. I am especially fond of sessions using the heavenly in tandem with the tornado, but this one also stands alone just fine. I don't find this to be a particularly thirsty texture, and a few drops allowed to coat the labia and drain into the FL seem to work just fine. If you are looking for more stimulation and are having a hard time discerning the texture variation just back off on the lube and vice versa. Not much suction effect even with the cap completely tightened, but that seems to be just fine as this texture is as I said before quite tight and I feel that heavy suction would notch the intensity and stimulation up over what I am looking for when I choose this girl. Until I got used to the texture, I had several ninja climaxes sneak up on me seemingly out of nowhere. Now that I have the hang of it, my favorite approach during a heavenly "FLight" is to take slow penetrative strokes just until my tip is almost to the node to ride the edge. Then, when I am ready to finish I stay deeper and pop in and out of the node. My climaxes when using the Jessica Drake heavenly haven't been as earth shattering as some the ones I have with the Go Surge and Destroya, but then again I'm not always looking for that. The heavenly seems to want to coax a longer and more gentle finish that feels wonderful in it's own way. I haven't noticed much (if any) detectable noise when using this one. Though cleaning and drying aren't huge issues with me, I have to give the heavenly great ratings in those departments. Due to the smoother and less busy texture, cleaning is a snap and drying is faster than all my other sleeves with the exception of the tornado. Some people may find the tightness to be somewhat of an obstacle during cleaning, but I highly recommend using an adjustable shower head attachment to assist with flushing - not only with this sleeve, but with all of them.

If you are looking for something smooth and tight with a less aggressive attack, the FLG Jessica Drake Heavenly is a great option. Especially suited for longer sessions.

Score 3.57 Overall Satisfaction 3.9
Intensity 4.15
Stimulation 4.6
Penetration 4.35
Tightness 4.85
Suction Effect 4.35
Realism 3.95
Variation 1.75
Smoothness 2.7
Orgasm Rating 4.85
Noise 4.5
Lube Use 3.35
Cleanup 3.35
Dry Time 3.5

Surge Review

February 15th, 2017 (Surge Texture)

This is my first FL. Take that for what it is, but understand I have used "sleeve toys" in the past (actually, before there were FLs - but those dinosaurs back in the day weren't built to last)...I just don't have any other FL models/sleeves to compare this one to...yet (my recent order should be arriving at my door in 3 days time though - so you can bet I've already scheduled some PTO). Bought this at a local retailer because I wanted to make a few test drives in an authentic FL before I took advantage of the Valentine's day special on the official site that had piqued my interest. I didn't want to go in balls deep for the discounts and mystery sleeve until I KNEW these were the real deal...and let me tell you, they are. In any event, have used this sleeve times uncounted in the last week since I made the purchase - I can't stay out of it. If I had to guess, I'd say I've endured prep and clean-up somewhere in the neighborhood of 20 times. My set-up is as follows: I use astroglide cut with distilled water ~ 60/40 and have warmed both lube and the sleeve in hot water before every session. I have used traditional hand wank technique, and have gone "no hands" in every position imaginable. I even busted out a shoe for my last use (less than an 30 minutes ago). In short, I've done my best to beat this thing up (two minute rounds at a time mind you), but she's a champion and keeps coming back for more. Concerning the aesthetics of the go surge I don't really care much for the pink generic "lady" exterior, but the labia are an adequate size for a healthy tease before actual penetration, both on the head of my unit, and when rubbing it along the sensitive underside with varying degrees of pressure. The penetration is actually amazing, as I find this sleeve to be very tight, and I am average in every way. Regarding the surge texture, don't let the simple repeating pattern fool you. The diagonal rows of raised nubs are both pleasurable and noticeable especially during slow back-strokes. In my opinion, they provide a perfect level of stimulation that feels highly realistic. The two sets spiked rings serve as choke points (at least that is what they feel like to me), and work in perfect symmetry with the nubs and tightness to generate a level of intensity that frankly I have not yet learned to control or handle. In short, this thing rocks my world, and really puts it on me EVERY SINGLE TIME! She has had me quivering, quaking, moaning, and shaking with every climax. I didn't notice any significant "break in time", this beaut was perfect right out of the box. To be honest, the clean up and drying is a non-issue for me, but I just rinse with cold and warm water, and hang it on my towel rack to dry. No problems there. It is always completely dry before I need to use it again, or when I go to put it back in it's case for storage. In truth, my only complaint is that I can't last nearly as long as I would like (even with multiple sessions in the same day), edging in this thing is nigh impossible for me regardless of tempo or angle of attack.

I was attracted to this model because of the compact size and lower price, but when I first inspected the box to check the texture, I almost put it back down. In my opinion the generic exterior, and "good stuff" on the inside didn't look all that intense, or inviting. I couldn't have been more wrong though, this little lady is a sleeper.

Score 3.93 Overall Satisfaction 4.7


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